EFTA01743009

Subject: Jackie in PA, NY & NJ! From: "Jackie Madling" Sent: Thursday, February 18, 2016 4:09:45 PM To: jeevacation@gmail.com May those who love us, love us ... and may those who don't love us, may they one day turn their hearts ... ... and if they don't turn their hearts. may they turn their ankles so we'll know them by their limping. 10pm this Saturday, Feb. 20th Bluu 2 Nabby Road Danbury, Connecticut tickets (203) 744-2588 bluudanburv.com ******* A guy's getting married on Saturday. Friday night, his friends take him out, get him waylaid, bylaid, Rolaid, mislaid, up, down, up, bing, bang, boom!, forget it, his pecker is a mangled mess, he doesn't know what to do. He takes two popsicle sticks, puts them down there, and wraps it with adhesive tape. The next day he gets married. Here they are in their honeymoon suite, and she walks out stark naked. She says, "Look, honey. Untouched by human hands." He's gotta think quick. He pulls down his pants and says, "Look! I-lah! Not even out of the crate." A guy walks into the doctor's office. He's got a carrot in one ear, a banana in the other ear, and a French fry in each nostril. He says, "Doc, I feel terrible." The doctor says, "You're just not eating right." What do a puppy and a near-sighted gynecologist have in common? They've both got a wet nose. EFTA_R1_00033980 EFTA01743009 Al and Fred ride a camel to a football game and leave it in the parking lot. After the game, they agree that it'll be hard to find the camel with the parking lot so crowded, so they have a few beers and wait a while. Finally, they go to the parking lot, and it's empty except for the camel. Just before they go to get on, Fred says, "Hold it, I'm gonna make sure this is ours." He walks around behind it, lifts up the camel's tail, and says, "This ain't it. It ain't ours." Al says, "How do you know?" Fred says, "When we rode in, I heard the guy at the gate say, 'Look at the two assholes on that camel'." te • * ..... What would you call a female psychoanalyst's vagina? A Freudian slit. ********* What are the three main parts of a computer printer? The case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light. Bernie's on his death bed. The doctor pulls his wife to the side and says, " It doesn't look good. I don't expect him to make it to morning. Try to comfort him as best you can." She goes to him and says, "You realize I've been her over ten hours, Bernie? And it's bleak, Bernie. Really bleak. The doctor says you'll be dead very soon and cold by morning. What can I do to make it better, Bernie? What can I do to comfort you?" Bernie says, "Sylvia, after I die, would you please marry Sol?" She says, "Sol? But I thought you hated Sol." He says, "I do." How do you say "Rosie O'Donnell" in Chinese? Yu Fat Cow. * * * It It * please follow me on Twitter! get a new (?) joke every day at 4:20 pm EST ... Pa JackieMartlinq EFTA_R1_00033981 EFTA01743010 A woman says to her doctor, "I have diarrhea. Can I take a bath?" He says, "If you have enough." le** let** "Heeelllppp!" There's a scream from the bedroom, the husband runs in, and there's a guy jumping out of the window. His wife says, "Whaa! That guy just fucked me twice!" Her husband says, "Twice? Why didn't you call me in after he fucked you once?" She says, "Because I thought it was you ... until he started for the second one." 10pm this Saturday, Feb. 20th Bluu 2 Nabby Road Danbury, Connecticut tickets (203) 744-2588 bluudanbury.com 9pm Fri., 7pm & 9:30pm Sat. February 26-27th Stitches Comedy Club Lancaster Family Resort Lancaster, Pennsylvania tickets (717) 826-3472 stitchescomedy.corn 9pm Thu-Fri, March 3-4th with Kevin Meaney & Jackie Flynn Borgata Hotel Casino & Spa 1 Borgata Way Atlantic City, New Jersey tix 1-866-900-4849 TheBorgata.com 7pm Sat, March 5th EFTA_R1_00033982 EFTA01743011 Scavello's On The Island with Uncle Floyd & John Pizzi 101 City Island Ave. Bronx, New York (718) 885-2570 8p Fri, 8p & 10p Saturday, March 11-12th Ha Comedy Club 257 Market St. (1 Ridge Hill Rd.) Yonkers, New York (914) 358-9260 www.hariddehill.com Friday & Saturday, March 18-19th The Comedy Cabana 9588 North Kings Highway Myrtle Beach, South Carolina (843) 449-4242 www.comedycabana.com ,c*,c*,cx 8pm Friday & Saturday, March 25-26th Boca Black Box Comedy Club 8221 Glades Rd. Boca Raton, Florida (561) 483-9036 bocablackbox.com ***It*** Hudson walks into a doctors office and says, "Doc, you gotta help me. I've got a permanent hard-on. It was fun at first, but now it throbs. It's painful. You gotta help me." Hudson pulls down his pants and he's got a huge erection ... a midget could do chin-ups on this cock. The doctor takes two fingers, smacks! Hudson 's dick, a bug jumps off, and his dick goes limp. Hudson says, "Gee, Doc, that's great. What do I owe you?" The doctor says, "If you help me find that bug, you don't owe me nothing." • • • Ow • • • so, I'm over the moon ... EFTA_R1_00033983 EFTA01743012 Ian "McKean" Karr & the great Mark Hudson & me have started a podcast, "Jackie's Joke Hunt" . . . please join us! www.connectpal.com/jackiesjokehunt and, I did Gilbert Gottfried's Amazing Colossal Podcast and me & Gilbert & his sidekick Frank Santopadre howled for ninety minutes . . . be sure to catch it ... I'll be in Las Vegas on April 23rd for the 24/7 Comedy Festival at Orleans Arena with my pal Bobby Slayton and many, many more! what a great reason to hit Las Vegas! when's the last time you "Used Your Finger" and dialed (516) 922-WINE ?! still going, 36 years later ... [ 516-922-9463 ] please spread the word about this silly list. Jackie How do you recycle a condom? You turn it inside-out and shake the fuck out of it. A college professor's going to bed with his wife. He's not that tired, so he's gonna stay awake and read while she goes to sleep. So he's reading, and every once in a while he reaches over and tickles! her on the fun spot, "Kitza kitza..." She says. "Will you stop that! Will you stop reaching over here and teasing me like that?" He says, "I'm not teasing you. I'm wetting my fingers so I can turn the page." EFTA_R1_00033984 EFTA01743013 Special! download all six of my wild dirty jokes Oglio CD's only $20! plus! ... you get a hundred insults & "The Pot Song" ! Jackie's 6 Cb Special ***Irk A ninety-year-old woman walks into her high-rise apartment and catches her ninety-four-year-old husband in bed with another woman. When he jumps up to explain, she pushes him out onto the balcony and over the rail. She's in court on charge of murder and the judge says, "Do you have anything to say in your defense?" She says, "Your honor, I figured that at ninety-four, if he could fuck, he could fly." **It*** yep, it's The JokeLand E-Mail List! free yuksl please tell everybody you know/ free jokes! free jokesl... by just e-mailing me, jokeland@aol.com A Muslim's at The Pearly Gates and he says to St. Peter, "I want to see Allah." St. Peter says, "Allah's busy." The Muslim says, "I want to see Allah now." St. Peter turns and yells, "Hey, Allah, when you're done with the dishes, you have company." 44444444 A lady in a bar says to the guy next to her, "I see you drink beer." He says, "Yep." She says, "How many a day? He says, "Usually about three." She says, "And how much do you pay for a beer?" He says, "About six bucks, including the tip." She says, "And how long have you been drinking?" He says, "About twenty years, I suppose." She says, "So a beer costs six dollars and you have three beers a day, which puts your spending each month well over five hundred dollars." He says, "I guess." She says, "If in one year you spend six thousand dollars, in the past twenty years you've spent a hundred and twenty thousand dollars on beer." He says, "Sounds like your math's about right." EFTA_R1_00033985 EFTA01743014 She says, "Do you realize that if you didn't drink beer, that money could have been put in a savings account and after twenty years of compound interest you could have bought a Ferrari?" He says, "Do you drink beer? She says, "No." He says, "Where's your fucking Ferrari?" A woman's up in the stirrups, in the throes of labor, and she's cursing and screaming at her husband. He says, "Hey, don't blame me. I wanted to stick it in your ass but you said, 'No, that'll hurt.'" Schneider's rich and one day he decides he wants to cross the Sahara Desert by caravan. He goes to Cairo, buys a small herd of camels, hires Arabs to ride the camels and lead him, gets the supplies they'll need, gives the camels as long a drink of water as they'll take, and they set off, headed west. Sixty miles into the journey, the camels start to drop dead one-by-one of dehydration. When he's down to his last four camels. Schneider can't believe his eyes when a caravan of the oldest and most flea-bitten camels he's ever seen come up on them and are about to pass them. He runs over to the guy at the front of the other caravan and says, "My camels are dropping from dehydration and these old nags of yours look healthy as they can be. What's the story?" The other guy says, "Well, before you set out to cross the Sahara, you have to give the camels a really long drink of water." Schneider says, "I did, I did." The other guy says, "And did you brick 'em?" Schneider says, "Brick 'em? I have no idea what that means." The other guy says, "Oh, man, to cross the Sahara, you gotta brick 'em. When you're ready to set out, you line the camels up so they'll drink one after the other. You get a brick in each hand and stand behind each camel as he's taking his drink. When you hear the sluurrrppp! of his drink slowing down and about to come to an end, you smack! the bricks together on his balls. He'll go SLLUURRPPP! and suck in enough water to cross the Sahara and probably cross back." Schneider says, "But ... but doesn't that hurt?" The other guy says, "Well, hell yeah. You gotta be careful not to catch your fingers between the bricks." The World's Best Gifts! they keep on giving! all six of Jackie's Oglio joke CD's ... hard copies or downloads! EFTA_R1_00033986 EFTA01743015 The Joke Man, Sgt.Pecker, Hot Dogs & Donuts, Come Again?, F. Jackie & snort ... are available on Amazon iTunes ( snort is on sale! ), and at Oglio.com ********* Favale finishes reading a book, "You Can Be The King Of Your Castle." He marches into the kitchen and says to his wife, "From now on, I'm the man of this house and what I say goes. You'll prepare me a delicious meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating, you'll serve me dessert. After dinner, we're going to go upstairs and have whatever kind of sex I want. Then you're going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You'll fetch my robe, wash my back and then towel me dry. Then you'll massage my feet and hands. And first thing tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?" His wife says, "I think I'll have to go with the fucking funeral director." *44****♦ please follow me on Twitter! get a new (?) joke every day at 4:20 pm EST @JackieMartling ***Slit*** Why's a sheep better than a woman? A sheep doesn't care if you fuck her sister. The Mexican maid says to Mrs. Friedman, "I wanna to make-a mo moneys." Mrs. Friedman says, "Now, Maria, why do you want a pay increase?" Maria says, "Senora, dere is a tree reason why I wanna mo moneys. The first eez dat me, I iron mo better den you." Mrs. Friedman says, "Who said you iron better than me?" Maria says, "Jor huzban, he say so." Mrs. Friedman says, "Oh, he did, did he?" Maria says, "The second reason, eet eez dat me, I yam mo better cook den you." Mrs. Friedman says, "That's crazy. Who said you were a better cook than me?" Maria says, "Jor hozban, he say so." Mrs. Friedman says, "Oh, really?" Maria says, "The third reason eez dat me, I yam mo better with the sex den you, een de bed." Mrs. Friedman says, "And did my husband say that, too?" EFTA_R1_00033987 EFTA01743016 Maria says, "No, Senora. The gardener, he say dat." Mrs. Friedman says, "So how much do you want?" **** * *I t* ... and huge thanks to Phil lazetta & iHeart Radio 24/7 Comedy click to listen! he plays me a-plenty ... ******** What's the best way to tell if a guy's gay? While you're fucking him in the ass, reach around ... if he's got a hard-on, faggot! Rosegarten goes on a date with an Asian girl and gets really drunk. He says, "Y-you know why I a-asked you out? B-because I wanted to find out, once and f-for all, if it really goes from s-side to side, instead of up and down ..." She says, "Ahh, mistehh, whassa difference? Whataya, play the harmonica or something?" ***fist*** please follow me on Twitter! get a new (?) joke every day at 4:20 pm EST ... aJackieMartlinq ******* to hear endless jokes from all of my CDs, get the Pandora or the Spotify app and type in "Jackie Martling"... A cop pulls a guy over and says, "Yo, Mac, you been drinking?" The guy says, "Why? I-is there a big fat pig sitting next to me?" the $2.95 Guys are the official supplier of all JokeLand tees PikCARD5 are the greatest! have a look! www.pikcard.com EFTA_R1_00033988 EFTA01743017 ********* for great dirty jokes 24/7, Use Your Finger! dial (516) 922-WINE ! free jokes for The Universe since 1979... simply dial (516) 922-9463 ... ... not a pay service, just a regular call ... 36 years of free jokes! ******* A guy's tossing peanuts into the air and catching them in his mouth when his wife asks him a question. As he turns to answer, the peanut falls into his ear. He tries to dig it out, but that only pushes it in deeper, so they decide to go to the hospital. As they're about to leave, their daughter comes in with her date. After they explain, the daughter's date says, "I can get the peanut out." He shoves two fingers into the father's nose, and says, "Blow hard." The father blows, and the peanut flies out of his ear. The mother turns to the father and says, "Isn't he smart? I wonder what he plans to be." The father says, "From the smell of his fingers, I'd say our son-in-law." for the kids: Why do bicycles fall over? They're two tired. How's a pig get to the hospital? In a ham-bulance. What do you see in the water that never gets wet? Your reflection. What would you call a skeleton that doesn't like to do chores? A lazy bones. What would you call an escalator that doesn't work? Stairs. Why'd Melvin throw the butter out the window? He wanted to see the butterfly. Where was the Declaration Of Independence signed? At the bottom. END of KIDS' SECTION EFTA_R1_00033989 EFTA01743018 When do you know you're getting really old? You sit in the bathtub and your balls float to the surface. A magician is doing really poorly, so he decides to try a new trick. He invites a guy onto the stage, hands him a big sledge hammer, and says, "Hit me with this between the eyes with this as hard as you can." The guy says, "Are you sure?" The magician says, "Hey, I'm the magician here." The guy swings the sledgehammer and cracks the magician right between the eyes. Seven years later, a nurse is looking in on the magician in his hospital bed, when he pops out of his coma, sits up, and goes, "Da-dahhh!" How can you tell the Polish Jew at The Wailing Wall? He's the one with the harpoon. Rufus comes home from work early and finds his wife in bed nude. He's suspicious, so he starts looking around. He goes into the bathroom, pulls back the shower curtain, and there's his best friend Teefus, standing there with a towel around his waist. Teefus says, "Man, close that curtain. I-I ain't done votin' yet." ***le*** Why's bra singular and panties plural? For the same reason that when you take a shit you actually leave one. I remember back when I was a kid ... my mom would tuck me in ... yeah, she really wanted a daughter ... A guy gets a new job. He works Thursday and Friday. On Monday he calls in and says, "I can't come in today. I'm sick." He works the rest of the week, but the following Monday he calls in and says, "I can't come in today. I'm sick." EFTA_R1_00033990 EFTA01743019 The boss asks the foreman about him, and the foreman says, "He's great. He does the work of two men. We need him." So the boss calls the guy into his office, and says, "You seem to have a problem getting to work on Mondays. You're a good worker and I'd hate to fire you. What's the problem? Anything we can help you with? Drugs? Alcohol?" The guy says, "No, I don't drink or do drugs. But my brother-in-law drinks every weekend, and then beats on my sister. So every Monday morning, I go over to make sure she's all right. She puts her head on my shoulder and cries, one thing leads to another, and the next thing you know, I'm fucking her." The boss says, "You fuck your sister?" The guy says, "Hey, I told you I was sick." It's winter again. that time of year when the poor are making tough choices ... between food, heat, or getting that massive new tattoo. A couple goes to the marriage counselor. The marriage counselor says, "I think we should start with what you have in common." The husband says, "Neither of us likes to suck cock." thanks for enjoying this month's crop of fun ... ... if you didn't like the jokes, why don't you go do jumping jocks on thin ice? ****** please follow me on Twitter ! get a new (?) joke every day at 4:20 pm EST ... @JackieMartling ******* www. jokeland.com for information on Jackie's shows, you can always just "Use Your Finger!" thirty-six years of free jokes! and dial (516) 922-WINE ... (516) 922-9463 EFTA_R1_00033991 EFTA01743020 not a pay service, just a local call ... You've received this e-mail either because you've signed up at the JokeLand website to be kept informed about what Jackie "The Joke Man" Martling is up to, or because you are currently having an online dialog with Jackie. If this is not the case OR to be forever removed from this list, please reply to this e-mail with the word "unlist" in the subject line. thanks, a JokeLand E-Mail JokeLand Inc. Box 58 Bayville, NY 11709 USA This email was sent by JokeLand, Inc., located at Box 58, Bayville, NY 11709 (USA). You've received this e-mail either because you've signed up at the JokeLand website to be kept informed about what Jackie "The Joke Man" Martling is up to, or because you arc currently having an online dialog with Jackie. If this is not the case OR to be forever removed from this list, please click here or reply to this email with "unlist" in the Subject line. EFTA_R1_00033992 EFTA01743021